Saturday, November 4, 2017

04. the right person | #30Layers30Days

06.07.15 | slightly revised*

Lately, I've been spending a lot of quality time alone with God. I've noticed that my prayers have deepened and during those quiet moments, I am able to sense my spiritual progress. It's not an experience that can be easily explained, but I do know that every little thing I pour onto God in our intimate moments (dreams, hopes, fears, insecurities, etc.) is safe. Whenever I escape to this mental space, I become confident in my honesty and vulnerability. Opportunities arise for me to find the answers I seek. 

So here I am, inspired to revisit my choice to practice celibacy; that finely threaded, very intricate concept of waiting a certain amount of time or until marriage to expose oneself to someone else sexually. What's on my heart to say has honestly been quite challenging to get out for several reasons, one being because of the sex-driven society I'm apart of. Nothing is as conservative as it once was when it comes to sexuality, therefore, sex these days is defined and treated very loosely. Despite my feelings about this subject, I would never want my life choices to convey that I somehow believe I am superior or holier-than-thou. I'm far from perfect, but when things like celibacy and abstinence come up, it can be a bit touchy, as I try my best to always respect everyone's varying beliefs. 

I don't think it's very possible to fabricate abstinence as something that is easy or present it as something I haven't personally struggled with over the years, so I won't. By nature, we are naturally sexual beings and our flesh is probably the weakest arena of who we are . Our emotions and our external senses are more sensitive to the elements and they stand at the front line of everything that happens to and around us. Because of that "weakness", it can be a juggling act trying to maintain the internal parts of us. Often times, when we do that, a large chunk of what we eat feeds or provides a stimulus to physical satisfaction.

I plead guilty of directing my energy and attention more to physicality, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Time after time, I find myself trusting my literal eyes more than I trust my spiritual guide. Growing up in a church home, sex was taboo and I knew the "right thing to do" was to wait until marriage. As for my parents, they didn't put a lot of pressure on me, but they told me in very subtle ways-over and over again-to respect myself and to wait (my mom more so than my dad, because he was absolutely not having it when it came to boys). However I didn't get the purpose of the wait until I was much older. Even after I knew better and was personally convicted, I didn't always take into account what or who I was dealing with, and because of that disobedience to what I felt was right, I'm still dealing with the consequences of giving in too quickly, of saying yes when I should have said no, and the list goes on. 

There is a more detailed back-story to go along with this decision, but I will save that for later. In a nutshell, I kept going through these repetitive motions with men and no matter how often I re-learned those lessons of patience and saving myself for the right person, I still wanted to do things my way, the normal way, the acceptable-by-society way. I thought I would be missing out on some huge extravaganza, where all my friends would be indulging in all the fun without me. Only to realize during these beautiful, quiet sessions with God that I wasn't really missing out on much.  So, again I made a sound, clear decision about practicing abstinence and giving my all-mind, body, soul-to God, trusting that the strength I needed was already within me.

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