Wednesday, November 22, 2017

21. walking in circles | #30Layers30Days

"Maybe I should kill my inhibition, 
maybe I'll be perfect in a new dimension.
Maybe I should pray a little harder, 
or work a little smarter.."

[Journal entry: 11.22.17 AM]

I do consider myself to be creative and ambitious, I sometimes wish I was better at execution or didn't lack direction in general. I just feel like I've re-structured my dreams so much, only for my heart to drift off to the same places and I'm back at square one all over again. Walking in circles. And when I take the time to reflect, all I can really think about is how much time I've wasted and where the past decade went...and I would hate to wind up in that same, perpetual thought cycle 10 years from now. 

This is why the opening lyrics to 'Anything' by Sza resonates with me, because I am fully aware that a lot of this internal battle falls back on what I'm doing-or not doing, rather. I'm the one who is to be held accountable and I'm the one who has to make the necessary changes and adjustments.

Who's to say that if I made better choices in life, things would be better than they are right now? Who's to say that if I married that person or went to that school that I would be in a better place? I'll never know, so I might as well always start here, no matter how many times I think I've been "here" before. 

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Thursday, November 16, 2017

16. a single voice | #30Layers30Days

Speak Up

There is a voice inside all of us, beyond the fibers of physical make up
A voice that is quiet and calm and honest
Bearing the essence of the thoughts and dreams that sit in confinement
That little voice, just waiting to make a difference
But we being composed with trained qualities like fear
Are too afraid to be heard loud and clear
Too afraid that if the curtain is pulled that the spotlight might turn us to ashes
Or the defense for what’s right won’t be liked by the masses
A deep dark penetrating fear that blocks the blessing to ears
So the chaos continues, people ignorant of current issues
Children misguided by the mere silence
A mind plagued with guilt and fatigue
From thoughts fighting to be released
All because no one is brave enough to speak

Chymere Anais | 12.22.08


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

14. chills up my spine | #30Layers30Days

There are many previously written poems
About lovers who aren't lonely, but still lovers alone
For years, self-love has been a process, steps taken day by day
Sometimes I felt close to being paired with the one, but never here to stay
As a woman who has found great comfort in solitude,
sometimes desires for companionship interrupts and changes my moods
where suddenly, I'm craving those long mid-day discussions
and those sweet and soft late night touches.
I vaguely remember  those kind and unexpected 'I love you' gestures,
or the simple forehead kisses to apologize after bad weather.
I miss the quality time with someone who was mine
and the mutual chemistry that gave me chills up my spine.

But I began to adapt the beautiful mystery in loving myself so completely,
that I'm only chasing after God and the dreams planted in my heart, never settling.
In due time, if true love waits for me
I will be blessed to honor my king.
If I am to be a queen, with no spouse as close to kin,
I'll just have to be eternally comfortable in my own skin.
The chemistry I experience will be in the small things I find
to be thankful for a life that was creatively designed.
On the days of stormy weather
I'll place my trust in God that things eventually get better.
There isn't pressure to find a love that exist in full inside of me,
because I am whole and I am free.

Chymere Anais | 11.06.17

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Monday, November 13, 2017

13. caught off guard | #30Layers30Days

inspired by what could be, 
to a love that does not yet exist...

After the whirlwind of a relationship between me and my first love ended, I made a conscious decision to avoid writing about relationships on my blog, other than a love poem here and there. Years went by before I ever publicly mentioned the mere possibility of letting someone new in and when I finally did, even that turned out to be a complete disaster. Therefore, I resorted back to the anti-love campaign, keeping my trust to a minimum and my precious words far away from the likes of men with ill intentions. This act of defiance in my writing was pretty much a reflection on how I was guarding my heart, shielding it from forces designed to destroy such a fragile and vital organ to survival.

But I am realizing why the heart is so closely associated with feminism; it is a muscle-no matter how delicate it is-that is designed to be strong, resilient, and functions as the core of an anatomical system that would fail completely without it. Understanding this allowed me to be a little less guarded, a little more open to what the universe had it store for me, a little more receptive to the gift of companionship, and genuinely see the beauty of second chances. This all started within myself and was an essential part of my self love journey. Little by little, I released the hurt I was holding on to and I felt the stars aligning. The future was unpredictable, but the possibilities became infinite, and there was peace in that.

Completely caught off guard, I found myself falling in again, allowing myself to feel again, and giving myself permission to write through it.  Quite unexpectedly, like a blessing out of the clear blue sky, a friendship has blossomed into something more and given us both, two previously wounded individuals, an opportunity to face our fears associated with love and conquer those fears together. Not only have I been fortunate enough to know a someone who challenges me to excel and reach higher levels as a friend, I've also found a partner whose presence feels just like the peace of mind I've spent my whole life searching for. It's too soon to proclaim I'm falling in love; I just know I'm falling in something and to say it feels so damn good is an understatement. The way he makes me smile so effortlessly and how he makes me feel absolutely beautiful in my most vulnerable state confirms that this is something worth exploring.

It's such a breath of fresh air to go from heartbreak to restoration and to experience a connection with someone that instantly felt like home, even if moving and moving on is something that could happen after a while. Life is full of surprises, so neither of us truly knows what the future holds and a lot of personal reservations are still hanging in the balance. However, in this moment, I am so incredibly thankful for whatever is brewing between us and optimistic about the road ahead.

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Sunday, November 12, 2017

12. ending with a beginning | #30Layers30Days

As we are preparing our tables for the traditional feasting with family and already setting up decorations for Christmas time, it's hard to believe that the year is almost over. Even in the midst of holiday spirit and chaos, many people find themselves contemplating the year in retrospect and evaluating progress going into the new calendar year. Personally, this year has been somewhat of an emotional, mental, physical whirlwind, but my motto transitioning from one year to another is: life is good, even on days it could be better.

While 2017 is quickly coming to an end, so are many things I've been holding onto for way too long, whether that be toxic relationships or bad habits. I know from experience and from speaking to other people about their experiences that God opens doors when we learn to walk away from the things that do not serve us, as well as the spaces in which we do not belong. In order to move forward in life, it's important to be willing to let go of all the things that are not worth holding on to and make room for the blessings we hope for. 

I am ending 2017 with a beginning in mind and preparing myself to walk into new doors of opportunity, new levels of independence, and new ways to manifest the life I wish to create for myself without neglecting the chance to be thankful for the life I am currently living. Romans 8:28 says that "...All things work together..." therefore, ending with a beginning allows me to to be optimistic about what lies ahead and opens my eyes to see the bigger picture. Closing a chapter or finishing the book allows me the opportunity to move on/dream forward without once feeling bad for leaving certain things behind. 

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

11. another reason | #30Layers30Days

When I take the time to reflect on my life and the decisions I've made leading up to this point, sometimes I'm frustrated by how many times I've stunted my own progress by making excuses rather than using outside circumstances to fuel my growth. Even stopping to be upset and wishing I'd done things differently back then is just as detrimental as those "bad" choices. What's done is done. I've lost count of how many times I've had to tell myself that and refocus on wherever I am and whatever I'm doing in the present moment. 

We are not our mistakes. We are not the mountains that come in our way and those mountains are not a stopping point or a sign to quit; they are strategically designed to test our resilience and faith and move us to a higher level. Often times, they're mere figments of our imagination. Yes, we are molded by varying experiences, including the inevitable consequences of our actions, but one of the most beautiful things to embrace/experience is evolution. Life is full of the unexpected and in light of that, we aren't always prepared to make the best moves. However, we're given opportunities to learn, move forward, and do better the next time we are presented with either the unexpected or similar situations to previous ones we've encountered. And we continue to make mistakes on this journey, many of which are repetitive mistakes, but all of them are subconsciously toning our ability to handle life better and adjust accordingly going forward. 

I have learned that the mountains are just another reason to be great, but never a reason to settle in the valley just because the climb may be difficult. Never trade excellence for excuses.

"...Stop the excuses, don't believe the lies, and make up your mind that you've gotta try instead of making mountains out of molehills when they're not even real..."

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA


Friday, November 10, 2017

10. the phone call | #30Layers30Days

February tenth, two thousand and eight

{9} I vividly remember the phone call like it was yesterday...
The doctors said you fought the good fight relentlessly,
but in the end, weren't as victorious as we prayed you'd be.
It wouldn't be the first nor last the time I felt hell break loose inside of me
Though I wasn't brave enough to say I love you, I also never thought you'd leave
Your existence was yet another presence I took for granted,
which meant more empty lonely days spent moping and roaming this planet,
blaming God for another soul lost too soon,
and yet another tragedy my mind would eternally consume.

{8} That's when I had to stop myself from assuming the guilt,
Perseverance was something you embodied well, you wouldn't want me to quit
The highlight of my adolescence was meeting you at the tender age of eleven
We didn't get a chance to meet at the altar, but I know we'll reunite in heaven.
The biggest lessen that I didn't comprehend until several years later
that as much as we like to make our plans, God's plans are always greater.
Adjusting to life without you here, I had to learn how release my will to be selfish
allow God to heal my heart, fill the void, and give me a fresh perspective.

{14} Fast forward to the present, which is still blooming into an era of acceptance
Although I can recall the pain, I can also choose to remember you in essence.
It's become a daily ritual to remind myself to really focus on the present,
cherish the memories, without forgetting that knowing you was a blessing.
There is comfort in knowing your soul is finally free to simply be
without the constraints of physical sickness and disease
It took a while to smile again, but I'm a vessel of hope these days
No longer do I question God, who is perfect is all His ways.
What used to leave me feeling lifeless now brings me inner strength.
Your presence lingers in the atmosphere when the void of your absence is too intense.
The fact that you'll forever exist in spirit increases my faith in a higher force above.
I ascend this poem to heaven's gates, wrapped and sealed with all my love.
I pray it reaches you in Godspeed - 9 years, 8 months, 14 days removed from February 10, 2008 -
to wish a happy earth day to the love of my life and a friend I can never replace.

Chymere Anais | 10.21.17


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

08. where I live | #30Layers30Days

There's a myriad of positive things to say about Atlanta, the city that birthed me and raised me, yet the place I'm constantly striving to get away from. Although I do love it in many ways, I don't necessarily keep leaving because I hate it here; sometimes I'd just rather be somewhere else and I've learned the hard way that the grass isn't always greener. Plus, I have a hard time "staying put" in general. No matter how far I go or how detached I become at any point in time, this city will always have a special place in my heart. Despite the love/hate relationship I have with Atlanta, there's no place quite like home. 

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

07. beautifully broken | #30Layers30Days

It's Tuesday night and finally winding down after a productive day. Days like this make me incredibly thankful for the smallest of things, because I can recall a time when it was a chore just to pull myself out of bed. Facing the day, taking on each challenge as it comes, and smiling to myself in awe about how far I've come when no one even knew where I was. As I cuddle up with my lap top and a chai tea latte, Sabrina Claudio swoons softly in my earbuds, and I simply allow the words to marinate. The lyrics resonate, as this is the exact place I'm in at this point in my life. 

It's so beautiful to now live in the comfort of my own skin, where I'm no longer ashamed of exploring the dimensions of myself and not afraid to live on my own terms. And although I don't always have a clear view of what's next, I don't allow that to stop me from pushing forward regardless if I can see what's ahead or not. 

The brokenness I've struggled with in the past seems almost non-existent and though I'm far from perfect, there's something so phenomenal about being a broken for a season. Once I become whole, God is constantly breaking me down to become a new person and to live life according to a divine purpose, but how I handle that break down now and the adversity that comes with it is much different from what it was just a few years ago.  Being beautifully broken means allowing God to mold and reshape me into the woman I am called to be and it really doesn't get much more more beautiful than that.

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Monday, November 6, 2017 a ghost | #30Layers30Days

suspended in air like a ghost, like a cloud
with nothing but space and air around
I am floating,
but a sober consciousness keeps me sound
not phased
by this gravity
when you are my reality

where there is love, there is power
the choice is now ours
and even when sweet days turn sour
we can never lose sight
when God is our light
it's worth it to take a chance at doing love right

Here are the 3 golden rules:
  1. Keep God involved
  2. Give to God the problems we can't solve
  3. never change, just evolve
I'm eons above moons
a love beyond physical barriers and views
you're the one I choose

Nothing in this world is better than this
amazed by how well you compliment my happiness
I'd rather be here caught up in your bliss

star struck I'm in awe,
by how incredible together we are,
I am floating,
with no desire to touch the ground
not phased
by this gravity
when you are my reality

Chymere Anais | 11.06.17


Sunday, November 5, 2017

05. a cracked door | #30Layers30Days "open" letter about this guy I sorta like...

The risky text was a line of a poem I'd written. To some, that's not a big deal; just a compilation of rhyming sentences from a talented poet. For me, it was the start of something special. It cracked open a door to my heart that I'm not all the way ready for him to see yet. Slowly, but surely, the walls of Jericho protecting the love I have inside of me are falling down. Perhaps, he didn't/doesn't/won't see it that way, considering we share music play list and participate in lyric exchanges regularly. 

He is not the first one who has inspired me to write - he may not even be my last - but as an artist, it takes courage to be show art in the form of vulnerability...or rather, vulnerability in a form of matter who it may be inspired by at the time. Here I am, both ridiculously nervous, yet surprisingly calm, feeling both weakness and strength in the same breath, sensing that he will applaud it, but not sure how he'll perceive it and perception is vital.

Hopefully he sees this door as an opportunity to get to know me more, to peel back each layer with precision and attention to detail. I want him to take his time, because in all truth, I'm not going anywhere, any time soon. In the meantime, I'm just happy to have found an exceptional friend, who appreciates music as much as I do. 

"don't know if you feel the same, so I'll keep my thoughts hidden / we both agreed to be friends, but emotions have risen..." - Jazmine Sullivan, Silent Tears

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Friday, November 3, 2017

03. over too soon | #30Layers30Days

Remember those days when we used to laugh until our stomachs hurt about nothing, really or how we used to stay up until 3 AM discussing our dreams and ambitions? How about that time we all found ourselves in a pool after hours, overtaken by spirits with the purest of joy in our hearts? Do you remember slow dancing to Michael Jackson's Butterflies and it was right then and there that I realized just how deeply I had fallen for you? 

Have you ever been in a situation, as a memory is being created in real time, and it suddenly dawns on you how much you'll miss that moment once it's gone? And every second thereafter seems to move by at what feels like light speed?? Then, in the blink of an eye, the moment has passed and all you have from it is a memory, maybe a picture or too. Times like that are always over too soon. 

Tell me what's your November...?

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Music Collective: vol. 61 {4Eva is a Mighty Long Time}

On October 27, 2017 at midnight est, Big K.R.I.T. released the highly anticipated, 4Eva is a Mighty Long Time, available on Apple Music and Spotify. Immediately, I added it to my digital library. The following morning, I made my way to my local Best Buy [#notsponsored] to purchase a hard copy and support the movement. It has only been 3 years since Cadillactica dropped, which isn't a huge gap for passive fans, but for K.R.I.T. fans like myself, this record sounds like the highly anticipated project we'd been waiting on since 2010. 
             Click here to read the full review!             

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Thursday, November 2, 2017

02. the idea of you | #30Layers30Days

Letter to my future self:

Often times, I get caught up in whatever is troubling me right now, trapped in the struggle of that perpetual 20's crisis, which makes it hard to envision you in the future. Although I want the best for you, sometimes I have a hard time deciding what that looks looks like. It's been strange to think about, because thoughts have power and choices determine outcome 90% of the time. Hopefully, my decisions align with my prayers, as well as God's will and destiny for my life.

[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

Nowadays, however, I'm so in love with the idea of you. I can't help but think you are wildly successful. I've never been the type of woman to plan her wedding day or put herself in scenarios with children she doesn't have yet. However, I've always had this determination to do great things, even though that ambition was sometimes idle, because I didn't always know what to do with it. It's not hard to recall the days where I felt worthless and all the uplifting songs, sermons, and self-help books in the world weren't enough to make me feel different. Now look at you: a college graduate and entrepreneur, glowing with self-love and the favor of God. Success really does look amazing on you.

The family is proud and everyone around is in good health and good spirits. You've been able to exceed all the expectations that were set out for you and surpass the standard that seemed too high to reach once upon a time. Pay attention to the ones who have been rooting for you all along, who could see your potential in you way before you stepped into purpose to unlock it. 

And this amazing relationship you have with that gorgeous man you call the love of your life is all God. Here is someone who chooses you and shows up for you daily, prays with you, for you, and on your behalf, supports you, who adores every inch, every layer, every sacred/secret crevice, who is patient, kind, loving, and respectful...he's a keeper, and obviously, you know by now that all the past heartbreak and disappointments seem invisible at this point. Sometimes the love you share may not seem real and fear will trick you into thinking it's too good to be true. God heard your prayers, sis, so just enjoy each moment and don't take it for granted.  [Song of Solomon 8:4]

I can just imagine that bright, beautiful smile spreading across your face as you re-read this love letter to you, to us. You've transcended life's storms gracefully and everything makes sense now and everything ultimately worked together, just like Romans 8:28 said. Nothing will ever be perfect, except the timing and will of God, so remain faithful, even as you're striving towards greater goals. 

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

01. when you promised | #30Layers30Days

The moment you made promises,
only to break them,
I remember how much I believed you.
As I stared at the shattered glass on the floor,
I contemplated how to fix it.
I hurt my back trying to reconstruct the empty truth,
I felt like I needed to know
how to put together the pieces
in order to be whole again,
in order to love completely again.
But much like the time I spent loving you,
my effort was in vain,
so I gave up,
but not because it was tough;
simply because I had to figure out
how to love myself enough
to not go through the trauma
of fixing what I did not break in the first place.
For my own sake,
I moved on without worrying about the mess,
because I refuse to continue to live in stress.
I breathe freely now;
I couldn't let you destroy me too.
I just learned that the broken promises you told
that flowed like polluted rivers from your lips
taught me how to be my own super hero.

Chymere Anais | 11.06.17


#30Layers30Days Writing Challenge

Although I'm technically 3 days late at this point, I'll play catch up tonight and try my best to follow along the challenge. It's been a while since I've done something like this, so hopefully I'll be able to complete it and get the creative juices flowing again.

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Created by Chymere x Design