Sunday, April 19, 2015

Self-Love ♡ Sundays | Guard Your Heart

Being guarded has always felt a bit like an oxymoron. On one hand, this mechanism taught me so many dimensions of the love I have for myself, for others, and the world around me. In that regard, it has been a sort of protective shield, which can be a good thing. On the other hand, I became immune-so numb to the pain of detachment and so doubtful of anything potentially good happening-that I built indestructible walls around my heart that would be able to withstand any storm and would never shake or crumble, making it nearly impossible to open my eyes wide enough see the world in an optimistic light.

For example, there was an era in my life where people came and went so much that it didn't bother me either way after a while. There was no real purpose in trying to build anything with anybody. During this time, I tricked myself into believing it was unrealistic to expect another human being to love someone like me. I simply gave up hope. The isolation kept me so incredibly guarded that I subconsciously blocked the positive along with the negative.

Fortunately and gradually, I was reminded of the vast world that exist right beyond my tough exterior. I was reminded that one day, I would open my heart again and allowing my guards to fall would be well worth the risk. With a renewed sense of hope, I started to hammer cracks in my outer shell to make it easier for others to maneuver pass my defense system, to make it easier for good things to make their way into my life without any doubt or self sabotage. But sometimes, even I couldn't break through all the layers, forcing me to resort back to feeling like my effort wasn't good enough and filling in the cracks I made from the inside.

Anytime I welcome someone or something new into my life, of course I want whatever/whoever it is to stay forever, but I had to learn that it doesn't always work like that. It used to hurt so badly whenever I felt like I "missed out" on a person or an opportunity, because I love so hard and get extremely attached, even if I don't always show or express it. When I seriously grow to love anything, I give it my all. Although it's still a very difficult task for me to be completely open to new possibilities, I try to believe that good things can and will happen. If I feel like a relationship that is meaningful to me is slipping, I try to locate what's wrong and fix it. Rather than viewing my passion as a downfall, I now see it as a kind of superpower I'm still learning how to master.

Instead of rebuilding that wall of steel when my actions are not reciprocated or things don't exactly align the way I see fit, I've come up with a different approach; total surrender, total trust. As I relinquish that false sense of power by control, I am able to love, accept, and move on accordingly, a far shot from where I used to be. I now know that once I've given my best and it's still not enough, I have no other choice but to walk away and give God control over the situation.  This does not imply that I no longer guard my heart; it just means that I don't have to always react to adversity in such a negative way that I create blockage for future blessings, nor do I feel the need to have all the answers, all the control, all the time.

Acceptance is knowing that everyone and every opportunity is not designed for me, which is something I've written multiple times over the course of this self-love journey. Because I am human and I can be foolish sometimes, there will be instances where I choose to not listen to my intuition; it's a process. However, being aware of the differences helps me better decipher the seasonal from the lifetime, the good from the evil, etc. and being careful not to confuse any of the two.

The God-inspired verse said it best in Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." That scripture has been my guiding light in not only relationship matters, but also in life, I guard my heart to prevent toxins and pollution from disturbing my purpose, but not to the point where I am intentionally missing the beauty around/within me. My heart is a sacred place. and although I'm no longer as hellbent as I once was about guarding it, I still think it's very important to remain protective of it.


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