Thursday, October 24, 2013

Dating 101: Date With a Purpose

Many people don't see me as a qualified candidate to dish out relationship advice. Why? Because I'm single and that automatically places my expertise on a novice level.  When it comes back into full circle for the relationships that didn't work out or the situation that never held any relationship type rank, I'm left to feel the urge to sigh a nonchalant 'I told you so', but I do my best to not say those exact words to avoid sounding like a competent jerk. The point is: don't miss the message by [mis]judging the messenger.   It's not like I'm this serial dater, whose track record with men is completely in the dumps, although there is something to learn from that kind of person also, I am single strictly by choice.  And I've learned, from people that have been married for 20 + years that it is better to be happily single than to be miserable in the wrong relationship.  

Dating 102 is my perspective on what dating is beyond the surface.  It is my advice on building confidence when determining not only who, but also how one should date. Please don't just skim through it, because it's easy to take one line out of context if you don't read it, especially if you plan to comment with a burst of disagreement.  Let's begin, shall we?
  1. Keep God first. Now this one is a matter of personal choice.  Everyone doesn't have the same understanding of God.  However, when it comes to your own spirituality, the person you date needs to have parallel beliefs. To be unequally yoked, as Christians would call it, may work for a couple of dates, or maybe even a few years, but not in the long run, unless one set of beliefs are compromised eventually.  
  2. Date with a purpose.  I believe it was a clip from the movie 'Drum Line' that fits perfect for this. "Southern girls don't casually date."  I don't know how true that is in comparison to northern girls, but I do know that at 12 years old, I applauded in agreement with that.  I've always been taught to date intentionally, because otherwise you're wasting valuable time that can never be given back. Some people spend years in a relationship they know was not designed to progress, but they stay with the excuse of how much time has already been invested. The ultimate purpose of dating is to get to know someone, figure out if that is the person you are compatible enough with to see a lasting future potential, and then go from there.  Dating out of boredum or loneliness rarely makes for a stellar relationship. Some view it differently, but fortunately this is my blog, therefore my opinion is validated. 
  3. Allow things to happen organically.  Why is this so important? In mutual interest and attraction, things will happen without force.  It's really simple; try it. 
  4. 100/100.  My best will attract someone else's best. My 50% will attract someone else's {fill in the blank}. If we both come with half, that is all we have to give each other. All or nothing. 
  5. You can't force someone to fit into your own perception.  There is an abundance of good men and women roaming this earth, despite what man made, often miscalculated statistics say based on human population. With that being said, do you honestly believe that every good man or woman you meet is somehow intertwined with your destiny on a romantic?  Just because someone doesn't appreciate the person you are, doesn't make them a bad person; they just aren't for you and that's okay. Every attractive person you meet isn't meant to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, king/queen, husband/wife, however you want to word it, but you can learn something from everyone you meet.  A good woman can inspire a decent man to be a better one and vise versa, but that doesn't mean anyone is allowed to try to change someone by being good to them. There is a difference between being good to someone and being good for someone, and when both happen simultaneously, it's a beautiful thing. 
  6. Don't expect people to have the same understanding that you have about how dating and relationships work. At the start of a fresh new relationship, it's exciting and easy to forget to have that conversation, where both parties can locate the commonalities and differences on how they interpret dating, which will automatically reveal intentions.  This is where a lot of people mess up, because of misunderstanding due to lack of communication.  
  7. Just because someone is being nice doesn't mean they're showing interest.  Please don't fault me for what I'm about to say, but I do think this has a lot to do with the infamous conditioning of daddy issues or things that are a result of broken homes.  Now, this is not something I feel comfortable speaking on, because it's not something I can relate to, so when it comes to that part of this point, I could be wrong.  Girls, especially, have a hard time deciphering when someone is being nice and when someone is showing genuine interest.  Some guys find it difficult to be nice, because girls will think they are showing interest, when all they're doing is being the gentlemen a good parent or set of parents taught them to be. It's the same with guys.  One always ends up being put into a black list category when they weren't showing interest to begin with. 
  8. Last but not least, accept people for who they are and meet them where they are, or don't invite them into your life at all. People will be very honest about who they are, what their intentions are, and where they stand; don't ignore those things.  (see # 6) When it comes to pure malice to mislead, that is all about discernment and trusting yourself.  Trying to change someone, or trying to make them think how you think and see things the same way you do, will only lead to disappointment. Don't expect people to change who they are to accommodate who you are. If you can't accept them from jump, don't dive into anything with them.  Just keep it at hello and keep it moving. 
Perhaps, you're better off not listening to anything I have to say in regard to relationships and stay stuck in the crappy situation you're in.  Or maybe, you'll take my advice seriously and things will turn out wonderfully for you. Whatever floats your boat or steers your yacht is your choice.

@ChymereA







SHARE:

5 comments

  1. Girl you hit a nerve! But an absolutely agreeable one! I made sure to read everything carefully as directed and I must say down to the last period, your absolutely correct. I wouldn't think of it any other way. I'm also single by choice and I refuse to be in a relationship because of each of the valid points above. Some people need to set aside feelings and think about what they truly want. Then learn to accept rejection, knowing not everyone is for you, and just because your friends are in relationships, it doesn't mean they're happy.

    GREAT Post!

    ReplyDelete
  2. just because someone is being nice doesn't mean they're interested!
    So true! Ppl are easily played because they think someones being nice so they must be interested in them.

    -Miya

    Miyaloves.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is so perfect. A lot of people need to take this advice. I now a few people. Great post girl!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love this post! Hope this becomes a regular series! I think it's important to acknowledge the things that are important to you and be well aware of them even before you're put in the actual dating world, I think it helps save a lot of time and energy. And as for the not appearing to be the most suitable person to be giving this advice, I actually think you are. Being single, I can totally relate to being that girl who gives advice to others. We can offer solid advice from an unbiased viewpoint and although all situations aren't crappy, I do agree that a lot of the times, too many young people treat dating relationships like marriages, you're not obligated to deal with bullshit. And love the new layout :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. 1. I agree with this post in a lot of ways.
    For me, keeping God first is a no-brainer but I didn't really put it in practice as much as I do now. I have my failed relationships to thank for that but I'm smiling typing this because it's all for good reason.

    2. I'm getting older and it's so clear to me what I want, don't want, will compromise on and will not accept. So I definitely date with a purpose. I plan to have a family one day so if I can't see the man I'm dating as my husband and father of my children, I won't waste too much time.

    3. Forcing is for the desperate.

    4. I love this one and agree 100%

    5. The 5 love languages. Learn them.

    Miss Daja

    ReplyDelete

Template Created by Chymere x Design