Friday, October 26, 2018

Where I am, Where I've been, + Where I'm going | Life Update

I said was back, then I left again. Story of my life...

For the past year or so, New York has been calling my name and for a while, I didn't exactly know why; that's just where my heart was telling me to go, like my destiny is tied to this place. Earlier this year, I even booked a one-way ticket from ATL to LGA for August 2018, months in advance. Before I knew it, it was August and I ended up missing my flight. As upsetting as it was, I'm convinced it happened for a reason, God's way of telling me to slow down, because at that point, I was so unprepared and wasn't exactly ready to take that leap.

The few months that have transpired since the missed flight have been a whirlwind, to say the least.  In attempt to fall in love with my home city again, I instantly became complacent; latching on to complacent ideas, toxic habits, and started to settle on the idea that I was going to be in this city for a while, so there was no need to resist the inevitable. Completely disregarding what I wrote on the topic of 'How to Choose Love Over Fear', only a couple of weeks removed from my scheduled departure, the fear of failure took reign. Furthermore, some unexpected negativity came waltzing into my life and I subconsciously welcomed all of it with open arms. 

In the meantime, I fell in love with a puppy and I was lured into the role of pit bull mom once again. It has been quite the challenge, especially with my parents' older, low tolerance dog already in the house and him being only a few weeks young when I brought him home. He's been the absolute light of my life; learning exceptionally fast, growing even faster, and it's been an overall rewarding experience thus far. This part seems irrelevant to mention, however, he's a significant component in this life update and a pretty accurate depiction of the transitional phase I'm in, as well as the journey I'm about to embark on very soon.

Meet Indigo

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Friday, August 17, 2018

How to Choose Love Over Fear (pt. I)

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Sorting through all the emotions and reflections that have unpacked over the past few months, this was the thought that emerged out of sitting with my thoughts for hours this morning before starting my day. It was a simple, yet daunting, statement that I've concluded has a few different layers, so for a little while longer, I just allowed my thoughts to drift back to that mindset. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or - better yet - I don't want to live in fear anymore, played like a broken record in my head. It felt like an epiphany, a breakthrough of every seed that's been planted and every lesson that didn't make sense until that very moment. Only naturally, it was my first instinct to take a shot at writing the breakdown of that realization in hopes that it would all make sense to someone else as well.

If it really were that simple...to just wake up one day and decide this is how I want to live my life from now on, would we then choose to live our lives differently than we normally would if we only had two choices: love or fear? What if the only thing needed to not fear something was to choose to not fear it? These were some of the questions that presented themselves to me when I told myself that I do not want to be afraid anymore, which to me, could mean an array of things. 

I've never been clinically diagnosed with anxiety or depression nor have I been prescribed any sort of medication to help with certain mental imbalances, so I try my best not to mock those people who have to live with these very real conditions every day by labeling myself with those things. Based on what I've read about mental illness, there are different behaviors I've exhibited in the past that connect to anxiety and depression. For instance, I've had to deal with myself about obsessing over scenarios that only exist my head, questioning why I legitimately fear things that may not ever happen. I've had to really sit with myself and sort through all the negative shit I think about daily; things that directly affect everything, from why I react the way I do in certain situations to how I interact and deal with others. For whatever reason, all those self realizations and questions came rushing to me during my quiet hours with God this morning, forcing me to look at reality through a new lens.

The questions became gradually expansive, such as: What if the key to achieving everything you want to achieve in this lifetime was a matter of taking your mind into a new dimension? And although that sounds really heavy to some people, what if it's not as complicated of a task as we believe it to be? What if we truly do have more power than we think...more discipline, more self control...over ourselves, our perception of reality, even the reality outside of that? Considering that everything is a matter of choice - not necessarily in a sense that you are always able to choose what happens to you, but in a way that you can choose how you respond to what happens to you and choose how to make things work in your favor - what if the only thing separating you from your destiny is a choice? Digging even deeper than that, what if the only two options you had were love vs. fear and that's it? Even thinking about the statement Love conquers all: is love strong enough to overpower everything we fear, including our own darkness?

The Catch 22 is having all these questions with no concrete answers attached to justify the truth; only theories with no quantum backing that I know of. What made it all resonate with me was having heard snippets all of this before (i.e. The Laws of Attraction) and finally connecting the dots that tied everything together. Therefore, I didn't feel like I was completely lost it or that I was insane for thinking such things, because I've been introduced to these things at different points in my life from multiple sources. How many times do you hear things like there's nothing to be afraid of before it starts to really make sense?

Ideally, I'd like to dive deeper, but for the sake of keeping it as short and sweet as possible, I may just break this up and write as I uncover/discover different parts, because it certainly is a lot to try to squeeze into one post. To be honest, I don't think the internet deserves everything I come up with, but that may just be the narcissist in me. But, if it eventually turns into a book, will you buy it? Will you read it? Will you be able to digest and understand the message and context? Another set of pridefully wonderful question that I believe time will inevitably reveal. 

Regardless of the outcome of this series, I'll conclude with a question that I hope whoever is reading takes the time to really navigate and if you're willing to share your answer with me feel free to: 

Do you operate primarily from a place of love or from a place of fear?

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